


Just for a moment let's be still

by sharkinterviewee



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Apologies, Cheesy, Comfort, Communication, Emotions, Episode Related, Episode follow up, F/M, Feelings, Fight or Flight, Fluff, Hiding, Hugs, I Forgive You, I Love You, Jake POV, Jamy, Love, Love Confessions, Panic Attacks, Peraltiago, Perfect, Romance, S03E02, Sappy, Stay, Still, Sweet, Touching, True Love, Truth, Ugh, Waiting, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, calm down, damn me and my symbolism, hug it all out, jake hates feelings, jakes so uncomfortable with emotions, jakes speech, like she already knows he likes her but he really spells it out for her this time, no need to apologize, not exactly panic attack but, romantic, s3e02, sappy is understating it, season 3 episode 2, speech, the funeral - Freeform, the funeral follow up, true - Freeform, wait, worrying about each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 02:46:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4987099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkinterviewee/pseuds/sharkinterviewee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake and Amy head home after the events in the funeral. She keeps trying to apologize for what she said (the whole 6 days thing) but he stops her with a kiss every time. He's not mad or upset, but she still feels bad. When she finally gets a word in Jake realizes that he really has to spell it out for her, how much she means to him. And even though he hates emotions, he needs her to know. So he tells her the truth. The truth about Amy Santiago. His truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just for a moment let's be still

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [finally real](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4963855) by [confectionerybrick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/confectionerybrick/pseuds/confectionerybrick). 



> Title taken from a lovely song by the Head and the Heart called Let's be Still that fits so, so well even though I didn't even think about it when I wrote 99% of this, so go listen to it, cause it truly is lovely.  
> https://youtu.be/-rKpmzRdWrs
> 
> Inspired by the lovely confectionerybrick's fic that I stole the situation from (after the funeral and they're together and talking and stuff) and specifically the line where she tells him that he rushes into stuff.  
> But in hers Jake is mostly thinking the sweet thoughts, while I really really needed him to say them out loud, so here they are.
> 
> And in case I haven't made it clear enough, this fic was written after the end of s03e02, and so there will be spoilers if you haven't watched the Funeral yet, so go do it!
> 
>  

So much had happened that day, and almost all of it was crazy. Jake was ordered to break up with Amy, the plan they had come up with had completely fallen through, he was demoted beyond a doubt with absolutely no clue what to do, and Holt had walked in and saved their asses. That was the list of the craziest things that had happened in chronological order. Really, none of that was probably _the_ craziest thing about that day.

The craziest thing was how after everything that happened none of those things were what hit him hardest about that day.

The things that hit him hardest were, in chronological order:

1\. Amy saying 6 day relationship

2\. How she smiled when he stood up and said all of those things about her

3\. How his stomach dropped when he saw her walk away

 

And then the things that made none of that matter:

1\. When she told him she had liked his speech (that was only ever about her)

2\. How she took his hand and drove them to his apartment without asking

3\. How she was smiling at him now

 

And yeah, Amy summing up their relationship to the words 6 days kinda stung at first, but the more he thought about it the less it bothered him. It was accurate.

And accurate was Amy.

Even though he didn't think of it as 6 days, at least not like that. She meant it as 6 days since the beginning. 6 days since it started and 6 days since it came into existence.

But to him, it was 6 days after years of waiting. It was 6 days of  _finally_ , 6 days of  _about damn time_ . 

She always was literal.

Jake knew that, and it really didn't bother him. She threw away rules for him, abandoned trying to not date cops, and didn't give up when everything was beyond sucky and seemed impossible to deal with.

She needed to figure stuff out, and he was more than happy to let her.

He knew he wasn't nothing to her.

And she needed a little more time to figure out what this was to her, and he was fine with that. He would wait for her. He would wait forever for Santiago. He would give her all the time in the world for her to decide what she wanted out of this. And waiting wasn't nearly so hard when she was figuring it out beside him.

Amy always needed to think everything through before she made any sort of commitment. And she had just jumped into this without any time to think about options and consequences. He wasn't afraid about giving her time, though. He knew what it meant that she had jumped into this without thinking. Jumped into him. He wasn't worried that she would reconsider and back out, because he knew what a big deal it was that she hadn't thought about any consequences. And if she did think of them, she ignored them. She needed some time to come to that conclusion for herself, and he understood that.

Loving Amy was the only thing he understood.

It was easy to tell that she felt bad about what she said, and Jake was still trying to find a way to tell her that it didn't matter. She was smiling her sheepish smiles while he was wearing his genuine ones. In the meantime he watched her move back and forth across the kitchen, trying to prepare something for them to eat that he had already forgotten what she had planned (even though he was going to have to help her when the actual cooking got started).

“I didn't mean it like that. The 6 days. I didn't mean it like how you thought,” she said softly before turning to him. She bit her lip and looked so incredibly guilty that he almost laughed.

She had been trying to apologize the whole night, but every time she tried he would stop her with a kiss. Jake wasn't mad, and he didn't want to hear her say she was sorry. He didn't want her to feel like she had to hide her thoughts from him because of how they might sound. That's why he was trying to find the right words to tell her that he didn't care and it didn't matter. And it was probably a good thing, since without it he probably wouldn't have gotten up to make that speech, and she would still be left with her doubts. So he was actually kind of glad she said it.

“And how did I think about it?” He asked with a raised eyebrow and a hint of smile. The only reason he didn't stop her with a kiss again was out of curiosity to what her answer would be.

“I saw your face. You thought that was all it was to me. 6 days. But that's not what I meant. I was worried it was too quick for you. I didn't want the only reason you were doing it all to be because it was too fast, and so I wanted to give you time.”

He didn't really have any idea of what she was going to say, but he definitely wasn't expecting that. It wasn't just that he was doing the same thing for her and thinking about it only moments earlier (the whole giving time thing). Most of it was that she thought she needed to give him time at all. He wasn't aware that he ever gave the impression that things were going to quick and that he had any reason for doing _anything_ other than her.

Jake wasn't sure exactly what his face looked like, but it was probably a mix of surprise and confusion. He guessed that it was clear to see that he needed a bit of an explanation, but before she went any further into it she looked down and hid behind the tendrils of her hair that never managed to stay put.

“You always rush into things without thinking. You don't consider the consequences and somehow that manages to work out a surprising amount of the time, even if you weren't sure if it even had a chance of working, and I just... I wanted you to be sure. And I wanted you to be thinking... About me. I wanted you to be sure about it.”

Amy leaned back against the counter and trailed her foot against the tile between them like she was drawing a line in the sand, and only looked at that imaginary line instead of him. She almost looked shy as she avoided his eyes with her head tipped down, and he didn't know how to ever put the right words together to convince her that she would never need to wear that look again.

Jake was never good with words, and if he said the first thing that popped into his head it would have been how he didn't need to think, but Amy would have only gotten annoyed at that. Even if it was true.

He didn't need to think about it, or to check and make sure. It was something he knew.

There were some things that were just innately true, things about the world that everyone woke up everyday and was sure would stay the same. Everyone knew the sky was blue, and it was never called into question- even if they were still in bed staring at the ceiling that morning. There was never a doubt if you were alive when your heart was still beating or if you were still breathing, because of course you were. What kind of idiot could be alive and actually unsure if their heart was still beating? And that's how he felt about Amy.

Not the idiot part, but the part where he was so completely certain that it was ridiculous for him to even repeat her doubts in his head, because he didn't need to think about her. He knew. Every single day there were three facts that he could count on never changing.

1\. The sky was blue

2\. His heart was beating

3\. He was in love with Amy Santiago

 

Sure, he'd known the first two facts a little bit longer since he learned about basic biology and colors before he met Amy, but that didn't make him any less sure of it. In fact, that was the one he was probably the most sure of.

If one day someone told him that the sky was green, and if he looked out the window and it turned out to be true, it wouldn't be earth shattering. It wouldn't even be that disruptive to his daily routine, just something new to get used to.

And if he woke up one morning and was told that his heart stopped beating but he was somehow still alive due to the miracles of science, he'd need a little more convincing but he could accept that without too much trouble.

But if anyone ever told him a day was going come where he wasn't 100% absolutely in love with Amy Santiago, he'd know they're insane without a doubt. Because anyone who would believe that for even a moment had to be crazy. And Amy was crazy for even thinking that there was a possibility he wasn't sure about her. He was more sure about her than he was about himself.

“I'm supposed to say something to that, aren't I?” He asked rhetorically when he noticed the slight frown tugging at her lips from his prolonged silence, and she nodded.

“Just give me a second. I'm trying to find the perfect way to tell you just how ridiculous that is without sounding like an idiot like I usually do during improv speeches.”

And Jake really did try to think at least a few seconds more, but it was all in vain since she was looking at him with those dark brown eyes that still managed to overflow with light- and she was looking at him with expectation. She expected him to say something amazing, or at least something good.

But Jake was never good with words, much less amazing. His grip on the English language was shaky at best, and even if he actually knew some more grammar rules everything he had ever learned would be thrown out the window the moment she walked in the room.

He considered at least trying to keep up the lightness for a little bit longer, but he remembered that that was almost what ruined them. Light and breezy.

So he stopped trying to find the perfect words to say the perfect thing, and just settled on the true thing. The truth about Amy Santiago.

His truth.

“Look, it's... it's not something you need to double check,” Jake sighed and stared down at his hands. He would rather be tasered than have an emotional conversation like the one that he was about to dig even deeper into, but they had come way too far for her to still not know how he felt, and he had to fix that.

“Cause it's not gonna change. How I feel isn't gonna change. How I feel about you. If it was, it would have already happened a long, long time ago. Everything's changing lately, and I know you hate that, and I would stop it if I could. And I wish I could give you a guarantee that things are gonna stay the same, but I just can't. Because everything _is_ changing, and there's only one thing that I can promise you won't cause it's always constant. How I feel isn't going to change. I'm sure about you and I'm sure about us, and I'm always going to be sure because I always have been. About you. I've always been sure about you.”

It was times like these that he just wanted to push her away or pull her closer, and not at all in the metaphorical sense. Really, he always wanted to pull Amy closer, but he still had that gut reaction to get out of situations like these so he wasn't the focus of any amount of attention. It wasn't just an emotional reaction. It was all he could do to keep himself together. Fight or flight.

Jake wasn't an idiot. He knew what was happening every time his throat closed up and his body kept telling him to _move, move, move_. It was just from how bad he was at stuff like this, dealing with emotions and all. And he hated it every time. If there was a way for him to just get over himself and all of his hang ups, he would do it in the blink of an eye. Even if he managed to sit through a conversation like this and make it through without doing anything major, he always felt awful afterward. So out of control. And even if he managed to fight every instinct he had and made it out all right, sometimes that felt worse. That he was just barely in control. And he was left wondering what it would take, and how much, for him to just let go. Wondering just how little the amount of pressure would be needed to finally push him far enough to scream or throw or run. Fight or flight.

And that was worse than the talking and the emotions and the adrenaline. The thought of losing control. And the fact that he didn't know where the line was, but he knew that he had gotten way too close to it way too many times.

“If I could turn back time or something to a month ago, or a month before that, when everything was normal and just freeze it there for you, I would do it in a heartbeat. So that Holt would still be there, and the vulture wouldn't, and you wouldn't be stuck dealing with what a mess I've- I just, I want you to know I would do that. For you.”

Jake hadn't even noticed that his foot had taken up drawing the boundary in the sand, the borderline separating them, until she stepped forward and trapped his foot between both of hers with nowhere else to go.

When Amy laid her hands on his chest, he finally stopped.

He stopped shifting, and twisting, and fidgeting. His heart was still pounding, but he took it as a good sign that it was still beating. Everything else stopped, the tension in his limbs, the tightness in his lungs- it all stopped.

He felt still for the first time in his life.

Jake was left staring at her hands on him, and how they moved with his every breath. Somehow they had switched exactly, with him drawing the line and him looking down. He wondered if she wanted to see his eyes as much as he did hers when their roles were reversed.

He wasn't left to wonder long when her hands moved to cup his cheek and lift up his face.

“Hey,” she whispered when his eyes met hers. “If back to normal means that I don't get you then I don't want any part in it.”

She framed his face with careful fingers and soft touches, and reassured him in a gentle tone and a steady smile. And he was reminded that this was Amy. This was _Amy_.

Amy Santiago, his partner. Amy who was perfect, and wonderful, and amazing, and the only thing he knew for sure. Amy Santiago who he was so in love with he didn't know where to begin or where to end.

He didn't even think about pulling her closer. He just did it. Wrapping his arms around her wasn't something he had to consider or weigh the pros and cons. It wasn't an impulse or an instinct, but a fact. Holding Amy was right.

She hugged him back just as tight without a moment's hesitation. Jake didn't think he would ever be able to let go of her again, much less push her away.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there like that, just together. He knew it was a long time, but not long enough- because even forever wouldn't have been long enough. It was enough time for him to slow down, but it wasn't like he played any part in it. She slowed him down. Amy calmed him and stopped the world from spinning so he could catch his breath. It was always easier to breathe with her around.

Jake was pretty sure that him basically confessing wasn't supposed to end with her- let's face it- comforting him. He was also pretty sure that the sequence of events should have bothered him much more than it actually did. He wasn't so insecure in himself that he thought of showing any sign of weakness as emasculating, but he was almost certain that he should have been at least a little upset about how even he couldn't quiet the noise inside of him when someone else could lay it all to silence with just a simple touch.

But he really didn't mind, cause it was Amy.

It didn't matter how long it took for his pulse to get back to normal, and it didn't matter that he was completely useless to calm the storm inside of him. It only mattered that Amy was standing right there with him.

When the air around them wasn't quite so heavy anymore he twisted strands of her hair around his finger behind her back. They both knew that everything was fine now, but neither made an effort to separate. It was nice, and they had no where else to be, so they stayed.

“If some creepy rabbit gives you the option to turn back time you'd better refuse,” Amy teased, and it was beyond good to hear the levity in her voice.

“You never did finish Donnie Darko, did you?” He asked with a sigh and smile, though he already knew the answer. Her reference was kinda close, but not at all the point of the movie- and it was pretty clear her only understanding of it was from the trailer and nothing more.

“No. I fell asleep right after you were called in,” she admitted without a fuss. “It was okay I guess, but the only reason I stayed up was cause of you.”

“You _cannot_ say it was an okay movie if you fell asleep after I left when I left before we were even 10 minutes in. It's so mind blowing I had to watch it like a gazillion times before I even began to understand it. But I bet you could get it down in only two viewings. We've gotta fix this ASAP.”

Though Jake had no intentions of pulling away and hadn't even moved a muscle, Amy tightened her arms around him in a preemptive attempt to keep him there.

As if he even needed any more of a reason to stay.

Amy was already more than enough. She was always going to be more than enough. She was always going to be the only reason he had to stay still. So he could stop and stay with her.

The fact that he loved Amy Santiago was the only thing he knew for sure.

But he didn't need to know anything else.

Because Amy always was and always would be

Enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The working title for this was Truth, until I was almost done and I realized that one of my all time favorite bands had a song that worked way too well since I already had all of my stop/still/calming lines in, so I changed it.  
> If you didn't listen to Let's be Still before you read the fic, you should cause it's great and soothing.  
> The Head and the Heart is great, and they have some more upbeat songs if you're more into that. Either way you guys should listen to their song called Rivers and Roads.  
> Album version: https://youtu.be/e2J-0EtsCpo  
> Live/acoustic version (my favorite): https://youtu.be/AclhwQKlgfw
> 
> And dude, Donnie Darko? I really wanted to put that rabbit line in there and didn't have any idea of how he was going to respond to it cause I hadn't seen the movie yet, so I decided to watch it. I'd always been meaning to, but I wasn't busy the other day so I just did it. And man, oh man. After I watched it I was looking up all over all of these different people's interpretations and theories for everything that wasn't explained in the movie, and I developed some theories of my own, so if anyone would like to chat about it all, I'm up for that.


End file.
